Sweet Merlin, It Got More Horrible
by cuddlebearlove
Summary: Professor McGonagall gives Harry the talk, but he is determined not to go through it alone. Third in the series. I suggest reading the other two first, as they are referenced.


Disclaimer: Not mine

Sweet Merlin, It Got More Horrible

"Stay after class, Potter." Professor McGonagall ordered toward the end of Transfiguration. Harry had been having trouble concentrating on his work, due to emotion trauma he had suffered over the past week.

It wouldn't have been so bad had Potions not been right before the class he was currently in. Whenever he looked at Snape, he couldn't help but remember the sex talk he had been given, along with Draco.

When the class was dismissed, Harry approached his head of house's desk. "You wanted to see me, Professor?"

"My office, Potter."

Harry followed her into her office through a door in the back of the classroom.

"Sit."

Harry sat, feeling very uncomfortable. Try as he might, he could not think of anything he could have done that was serious enough to land him in Professor McGonagall's office.

"Now, I want to have a little talk."

"Am I in trouble?"

"No. Why would you think that?" Then she turned suspicious. "What have you done that no one has found out about yet?"

"Nothing."

"All right. Now, what I want to talk to you about is very serious. It involves sex."

"Oh, sweet Merlin." Harry moaned. "Really, it's okay. Professors Dumbledore and Snape have done this, and I honestly feel I have all the information currently available on the topic."

"Yes, I am aware of that. I was the one who encouraged the headmaster to speak with you.

"That was your idea?" Harry asked.

"Indeed it was. However, I am concerned that Professor Dumbledore did not do a thorough enough job. I also fear that Professor Snape may have wiped away whatever good the headmaster might have done. So I am going to attempt to repair this damage. Beside, you haven't gotten a woman's perspective yet."

"Are you sure I need one?"

"Of course, Potter."

Seeing he was not getting out of his current situation, he decided he wasn't going to face it alone.

"You know who could profit from being here, too? Hermione and Ron. I have caught them kissing a couple of times, so they could really use a sex talk. Hermione is muggleborn, so her parents can't teach her about wizard safety precautions and Ron's parents are too shy."

Of course, Harry had not caught them kissing at all, and Ron had already had the talk. The only thing true in his statement was Hermione's parents not being able to teach her wizardly ways, but she had probably read it in a book. However, if they were going to continue to laugh at him while Hermione accurately predicted ways his life could get worse, then they could join him.

"Are you certain?"

"Yes, ma'am. They are kind of secretive about it, so they may deny their relationship. Do you want me to go get them?"

"Are you sure that wouldn't be too uncomfortable?"

"No. We do everything together. I don't mind. I'm sure they won't mind either."

"Hurry up, then."

Harry found both his friends in the common room.

"Come on, guys."

"Where to?" questioned Ron.

"McGonagall wants to see all of us."

"Why?" Hermione asked.

"I don't know, but she told me to hurry back with you, so let's go."

Harry didn't know how he managed to keep a straight face. As they walked through the corridors, he hoped they wouldn't stay angry with him for too long.

"Excellent, sit down you three." Professor McGonagall said as Harry knocked on her office door.

"Now," the professor continued, "as I am sure Harry told you, we are going to talk about sex."

"What?" gasped Ron and Hermione together.

"As your head of house, it is my responsibility to make sure there are no accidents amongst my students. Harry tells me you two are involved-"

At this, Hermione and Ron both turned to stare at Harry. He was smirking back at them with an evil look on his face.

"and you are all at an age where I know you want to experiment." Professor McGonagall continued. "This is perfectly normal and healthy, but you need to set limits. As long as you stick to these limits, there is no reason to worry. However in the heat of passion-"

"I hate you, Harry." Ron said.

"it is difficult to stick to boundaries. Something will feel good, so you will go a little further. It will feel good too, and it spirals out of control."

"I hate you too, Harry." Hermione said.

"Now, Hermione, it could be worse." Harry said, while still smirking.

"How?" Ron asked the now infamous question.

"This could be your third sex talk from a professor in two weeks."

Ron laughed but Hermione did not seem pleased, as she was glaring at both of them.

"Don't be mad, Hermione. It's not our fault that you can't appreciate irony." Ron said.

"I don't know why you are laughing. Harry did it to you too."

"I can appreciate irony." Ron answered.

"Don't interrupt, you three. This is very serious." McGonagall admonished. "Moving on, it is not-"

"Professor, I have a question." Harry said.

"Yes, Potter?"

"Snape said it was okay to be intimate with werewolves and vampires. Is this correct, or was he trying to get me turned into a half-breed?"

McGonagall sat stunned. "Professor Snape told you that?"

"Yes."

"While there is a very low immediate danger to intercourse with half-breeds, it is still not a good idea. For instances, if you conceive a child with a female werewolf, there is a chance that child will itself be a werewolf. Is that the life you want to give your child from the very beginning?"

"No." Harry answered.

"Did Professor Snape not explain this?"

"Not really."

"How that man ever became responsible for an entire house is beyond me." muttered McGonagall.

"Why were you discussing sex with half-breeds, Harry?" Ron asked, very perplexed.

"I wasn't. Draco brought it up."

"What was Malfoy doing there?" McGonagall asked.

"The same thing as me. Getting 'the talk' from his godfather."

"Whoa, hold on. You didn't mention Snape was Draco's godfather." Ron said.

"It makes sense though." Hermione interjected. "The way he always favors Malfoy in class is despicable."

"Why was Malfoy asking about sex with half-breeds?" Ron asked.

"Don't tell us, Harry." Hermione commanded. "I'd prefer not to know."

"Wow, I never thought I would see the day when Hermione Granger would choose ignorance." Harry responded, cheekily.

"Back to our discussion." Minerva said.

She explained various pregnancy preventatives, all of which Harry was well versed in by now. Then she went into new territory.

"The first time a young woman has sex is painful. It can be very painful if her partner is not gentle enough. This is due to a small boundary of mucous that surrounds her entrance."

All three teens were scarlet. Harry couldn't believe that there was still something he had not heard from his previous two talks. Ron had been given this talk when he was twelve. He thought listening to his dad had been embarrassing, but nothing compared to this. Hermione was trying very hard not to look at either Harry or Ron.

"Can I ask a question?" Ron asked.

"Yes, Mr. Weasley."

"What was Professor Dumbledore's brother doing with that goat?"

Professor McGonagall stared at him. "Not what you are thinking."

"Oh, okay then. I have another question."

"Yes?"

"What would you get if you bred a house elf with a gnome?"

"One would not be able to do that Mr. Weasley. Two seperate species will not mesh together like that."

"Professor?" Harry asked.

"Yes?" Professor McGonagall was quickly getting frustrated.

"Professor Snape wouldn't tell Draco and me how half-giants are made. Can you?"

"No I can not. I must say that I am pleased to hear that Professor Snape does have some limitations. Also, if you are trying to deter me from finishing this talk, you may as well give up now. When have you ever known me to give up on something?"

The trio was in the deputy headmistress' office for another hour. Most of what she said Harry had heard at least once before. When they were finally done, the professor asked if any of them had any questions.

"I think you have covered everything very well, professor." answered Hermione. "But-" she turned to look at Harry, "Harry has his confused look on his face. I am certain he has a question."

Harry glared at the young witch while frantically racking his brain. If he didn't come up with something, McGonagall would not let him leave. He was sure they would not be dismissed until she thought they were well-informed.

"Just one." He said slowly. "I don't want to give into peer pressure and end up having sex too soon. How can I tell a young woman who is pestering me for a threesome-" here he quickly glanced at Hermione, "that I am not interested because I am saving myself for the right girl."

Hermione looked ready to kill him. Ron had his fist in his mouth in an attempt to stop the laughter. Professor McGonagall had been stunned speechless.

"Harry. James. Potter," Hermione said slowly. " I am going to kill you."

"Are we finished, Professor?" Harry asked.

His teacher nodded, and he jumped up. Hermione followed close behind, chasing him with her wand drawn. Ron stood as well.

"I better make sure she doesn't hurt him too badly."

As her office empied, Minerva wondered if Harry had simply been teasing Hermione or not.

A/N: Here it is. The requested third part of this very weird series. If there is anyone else you want to see in this horrible situation, let me know. I will be on vacation until Friday, but when I return I will try to honor requests. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the other two stories. I really appreciate your time. Please review:)


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